Tears

Warning: There is some venting ahead!
 
TEAR /tɪər/ Show Sp

–noun

1.  a drop of the saline, watery fluid continually secreted by the lacrimal glands between the surface of the eye    and the eyelid, serving to moisten and lubricate these parts and keep them clear of foreign particles.

2.  this fluid appearing in or flowing from the eye as the result of emotion, esp. grief.

Okay, now that is out of the way, can you take a guess at what is going on?  

I know I am pregnant and I know that I am expected to be emotional but I cried for what seemed all day yesterday.  Some stuff was worth it, other things not so much.  I was a little emotional before I got pregnant but there are certain days now that it just hits me and it won't go away.

This has been a tough week (well, it started off GREAT and then it got hard).  Monday was the best day of my week, we were able to go to the doctor and see our little girl on screen and see/hear the heart beat.  It is amazing and I get excited thinking about it, I also get tears occasionally but these are the good ones, the ones that give me a little hope.

Tuesday things were still pretty good, not much to complain about.  I was given a task to do at work (mind you, my hours have continued to be cut back and I am no cleaning the school in the evenings after hours).  The task I was given wasn't so much in the "cleaning" department but at the same time it was, I was helping the front desk get some files in order and clean out the old ones, etc. I wasn't very tired this particular night and I ended up staying until about 2:30 in the morning.  I got home and got in bed about 3:00.  Ok, no big deal, I could handle that.  Wednesday, I get up and am getting things done around the house and I go into work at 2:00 p.m. (instead of the normal 3:00) because I was trying to get this task accomplished so I could move on to the other things that needed to be done.  I stayed until 11:00 p.m. and got everything just about done.  Again, no big deal.  Thursday, this is where things got hard and I began to loose it.  I get to work at the normal 3:00 and get the assigned task accomplished within 45 minutes.  Yeah! Go me!  Well, that is not exactly the reaction I got.  I pretty much got told that everything I just did was a waste of time and energy because now there is no need for the charts that they are all probably just going to be tossed and there are other things I could have better spent my time on....WHAT!!?!?!?  

I held myself together through all that and got things to where I could walk away from them without leaving the front person in a bind.  I was off to start "cleaning".  Low and behold there is no spray bottle in the back for the bathroom cleaner.  I try to go find some and made the mistake of asking if anybody knew where it was.  At this point I was asked by person A:

Person A: "How many hours have you worked this week?"

Me: "Well, I did  9 hours on Tuesday and 8.5 hours on Wed and 1 hour today so far."

Person A: "Go home, I can't afford to pay you anymore this week.  You can come back Monday"

In my mind I was like "WHAT THE HECK???"  At this point I walked away because I could totally feel my face getting red and my eyes swelling up and that is when all the tears began to flow.  These weren't exactly the same tears that I had talked about earlier, these were tears of anger, heartache, and frustration.  I get stuff put away, go to the bathroom (completely lost all control in there) wiped my face off, tried to cool down, walked out and said bye.  At this point I hear Person B say "Is she okay?"  I turned around and said "I am fine" and just kept on walking towards the door.

Am I fine? No, I am not fine.  All I could think about was how are we going to pay our bills over the next two weeks, what I am going to do about this or that?  I got in the car and sent a txt to Garon letting him know I was on my way home and that I was having a breakdown.  I didn't want to bother him with it too much because he was in class and all that stuff so I told him what had happened and said we could talk about it later.  I was sobbing the entire time I wrote the txt, the whole drive home, and then I sat on the couch and cried more.  

I pulled myself together enough that I was able to kneel in prayer and talk with my Father in Heaven which did give me a little comfort.  A good friend once told me that the Lord never leads us this far down a path and then just leaves us there alone to figure it out.   

Garon made it home about 5:30 give or take a few and we sat and talked and I cried some more and was just at a loss.  We are good people (at least we are striving to be) and we just don't understand why this stuff keeps happening to us.  We have continuously filled out applications, we have both had interviews, we are doing all we can at this point.  All I am asking for at this point is for another 4 months of understanding, of work, of working full time so we can pay our bills and get ahead just a little before the baby comes.  I know things happen for a reason and we are given trials to build our character and test our faith but there is only so much I can take at this point and I feel as though I might fall.  What have I done, or what haven't I done that I need to do.  

I have so much to be grateful for, I have been tremendously blessed and I need to not take those things for granted.  I am thankful for a roof over my head and food in the pantry (even though we did go into debt getting it) and sound vehicles to drive.  I am thankful for my Savior and the sacrifices He has made and the example He set.  I strive to follow that example and do the right thing.  A good friend of mine had a blog post about judging others and it had a great impact on me this morning.  I try extremely hard to not judge those around me and to give everyone a fair, equal chance, most of the time more than one but sometimes, such as now, I feel as though I am the one being trodden underfoot and somehow I have to figure out how to pull myself up.

Needless to say, it has been a week of tears.  Some have been good and some have been not so good but none the less I continue to push forward and make the best out of what I can.  This time will pass and all will be well.  Thank you for reading and I am sorry for the downer, I feel a little better getting a part of this off my chest.